The Art of Active Listening
Active listening requires practice, but it can reduce feelings of pressure and judgment to support someone's mental health.
Active listening requires practice, but it can reduce feelings of pressure and judgment to support someone's mental health.
"Simply listening can go a long way in getting him to open up, and helping him feel that’s he’s not alone."
When supporting a man who is experiencing a mental health challenge, like depression, it can be tough figuring out how to help or what to say. It can be especially daunting when we put pressure on ourselves to say the right thing or try to ‘solve’ someone’s issues for them. We often forget that one of the most valuable tools for supporting another person is active listening.
Listening attentively reduces the feeling of pressure and judgment, while also making the person we’re trying to support feel more deeply understood and cared for.[1] Active listening improves feelings of closeness and trust between people, and trust fosters a more comfortable environment for the other person to express what’s really bothering them.[1]
Feeling heard and understood by others in our lives is a fundamental human need, and active listening plays a critical role in helping fill that need for others.
Our page on Providing Support has tips on how to start a conversation with a man you may be concerned about, but how do we best support him after that? Active listening is a key tool for having that initial conversation and providing ongoing support for someone.
This article will cover key components of active listening, including silence, non-verbal cues, and verbal strategies, so we can best support the men in our lives.
Try and find comfort in leaving room for silence while talking with the person you care about. Attending to the conversation through silence encourages more self-disclosure; guys often feel more comfortable talking about particularly stressful thoughts and experiences when the person they’re speaking to is attentively listening and not interrupting.[2]
Allowing the person you’re supporting to finish their thoughts without interruption communicates that we care about them and value what they have to say.[3] Even when they finish their thought, try letting the silence hang for a moment instead of immediately offering a response. This will let them know that we’re genuinely trying to absorb what they’re telling us. Silence doesn’t have to be uncomfortable – embrace it!
Non-verbal gestures are another great way to signal that you’re fully present and engaged in a conversation. Non-verbal cues signal our interest in and attention to the person who is speaking and can be a useful way to encourage him to continue sharing.[2]
Non-verbal communication can include the following:
When the other person is talking, here are some ways you can show them that you’re with them:
When we are presented with a problem, even when it’s someone else’s, our gut reaction is often to fix it. When hearing about someone’s struggles, a common, well-meaning response is to immediately offer or suggest a solution or a consolation.
Solutions and consolations are things we want to avoid:
While not always harmful, giving unsolicited advice or consolation like those above can and often does interrupt the active listening process.[1] Giving advice or consolation is also often poorly received; those who open up to us can perceive such “solutions” as dismissive, tone-deaf, or frustrating.[2,4]
Keep in mind that it’s likely that the man we’re trying to support has already tried or considered similar solutions before, so hearing these suggestions repetitively can be a bit exhausting. If the guy does not explicitly ask for advice or help, try to avoid giving it. Instead, consider responding with validation strategies, as described below.
Validation helps communicate empathy and non-judgement.[1] Where you might normally feel the urge to offer solutions or advice, try using simple validation statements followed by silence, giving them room to follow up. Some ideas can include:
Don’t be afraid to ask questions or to explore a little bit if you need to get a better grasp on what the guy is thinking or feeling, or if you need more detail/context. Try these:
Lastly, summarizing and/or paraphrasing are useful tools to really show the person we’re trying to support that we’ve been listening, catching details, and are trying to understand exactly what concerns, emotions, and current experiences they’re trying to express to us.[2,5]
Instead of trying to add to or drive the conversation onto the next topic, try and restate some specifics from the conversation.
Because the active listening tips we’ve described aren’t discrete, you can also follow your summarizing and/or paraphrasing with validation or clarification. Below are some examples:
Remember that being a positive support begins with the ability to listen and empathize. Try out some of the tips above next time you find yourself supporting a man you care about. Simply listening can go a long way in getting him to open up, and helping him feel that he’s not alone.
References: